Linda: Life is sometimes difficult. We don’t get what we want, and we get a lot of what we don’t want.
We can start to slip into a mindset, of “Life shouldn’t have to be this hard, or “What’s wrong with me that I have so many challenges” or “My life is cursed.”
These kinds of thoughts may or may not be true. If we continue to play these same thoughts over and over in our mind, they become more believable. One of the skills to develop as mature, resilient individuals is that of reframing. To reframe is defined as “placing something in a new frame.” When we change our point of view on any given situation, the facts remain the same, but a deliberate shift is made in how we see it.
We can replace the dismal, energy-stealing thoughts with more responsible ones such as: “I wonder if I have something to do with these breakdowns that I find myself in?” or “I think there must be something important for me to learn here.” These are examples of reframing problems as challenges, and taking them on as such.
As we shift our thinking about our situation, there is a change in emotional tone and the meaning that we give to our life circumstances. We can choose to move our experience from a negative frame to a more hopeful one, filled with opportunities. This process allows us an expanded view of our reality.
One example of reframing is redefining a problem as a challenge. Such a redefinition activates a different way of being. The word problem has a heavy quality to it, while the word challenge is enlivening. By a simple change of word, our energy is affected.
Another example and an extremely important opportunity for reframing occurs during an angry interchange. When our anger is inflamed, we are more likely to close our heart and deteriorate into judgmental, critical thoughts such as “she is such an angry bitch,” or “he’s such a selfish bully,” or other variations on the theme of the world out there is doing it to me. When we are flooded with feelings, we are rendered temporarily helpless. In that moment, we may put the other out of our heart, thereby making them an enemy.
With a committed effort to practice pausing to reflect, we can remember that underneath the anger, both our own and that of other, is fear and pain. In that crucial moment of reframing we can dare to speak more vulnerably about our own fear and pain, which so frequently invites the other person to disarm themselves to speak vulnerably with us as well. To regularly practice reframing takes a concerted effort, but one that allows for tremendous rewards.
A frequently quoted and dramatic example comes from Victor Frankl in his book, From Death Camp to Existentialism, where he speaks of being in a concentration camp. For three years, he lived through starvation and torture in four camps. He lost his beloved wife and all of his family, and observed most of his fellow inmates die. Frankl kept his mind active, planning the lectures he would give after his release, using the material from the death camps to illustrate points he wanted to teach. As a devoted teacher, his careful, deliberate planning of his future lectures kept his spirit and body alive in hideous deadening conditions. He survived the death camps and did go on to realize his vision of using his experiences as a great healer.
Reframing requires seeing something in a new way, in a context that allows us to recognize and appreciate positive aspects of our situation. Reframing helps us to use whatever life hands us as opportunities to be taken advantage of, rather than problems to be avoided. Breakdowns, no matter from what source, illness, accident, and losses are transformed into challenges and new possibilities to experience life more fully and to become a more whole human being.
Reframing is not a denial that the challenge that we have been dealt is a difficult one. Even though our circumstance may be fraught with hardship, we can learn to trust the cycles of life from gestation, to birth, to maturation, decline, making the descent, to then ascend. We discover that this is a process of life that repeats itself, as do the cycles of summer, fall, winter, and then rebirth in spring.
Present day pain unleashes past pain, hurt, shame, doubt, and feelings of inadequacy. It is in opening to the pain that is a healthy response to a successful life process. We are forced to loosen our grip on the illusion of control. Through an understanding and trust of this transformative process, we come to have faith that periods of decline, whether they last for minutes or months, can become periods of vibrancy. We are less likely to be possessed by ongoing moods of pessimism, hopelessness, or resentment. Our prevailing attitude becomes one that is more optimistic.
Only then can we find resources we didn’t know we had, and continue our movement toward wholeness. As we engage our discomfort by reframing, we learn to trust that good results can come. We don’t close our heart in bitterness, because we come to appreciate the transformative power of suffering. As we come to discover that the deeper the channels of pain carved into us, we deepen our capacity for joy. I’d say that’s worth some growing pains, wouldn’t you?